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October 27, 2020

The Mental Health Moment October 26th, 2020

October 26th, 2020

Being Friends Thru Divorce

Being Friends Thru Divorce

Host - Joe Newman (Director of Business Development & Marketing)
Guests - Mari Hobson (becoming Family Life Educator) and Jennie Hayes (Stay at Home Special Needs Mom)
Topic - Being Friends Thru Divorce - Going against social norms to actually be friends with your ex’s spouse.

October 26th, 2020 Transcript – Mental Health Moment 

Transcript by Google Voice Typing – Please excuse errors

Topic – Being Friends Thru Divorce – Going against social norms to actually be friends with your ex’s spouse.

Welcome Welcome to the Mental health Moment. It’s Monday and time to take a moment for your mental health.  I’m your host Joe Newman from Life Launch Centers which was founded and started right here in Southern Utah, and this is the show where we talk about all things for your mental health.  We teach healthy coping mechanisms, discuss current situations that affect our mental health, and give you tips, ideas and resources that you can implement right now. Hopefully you’re taking more time for your mental health than just a moment and this radio show.  It’s something that needs constant attention just like your physical health.  We all do things to prevent physical health concerns like taking vitamins, regular exercise, check ups with your doctor.  Well why is it we so often neglect or even avoid taking care of our mental health? Maybe we’re too busy to take some time off for some relaxation or feel guilty when we need some self care.  It is kind of interesting to look at mental health like we do physical health.  It really helps take away the stigma against mental health.  Think about it.  Why is it that we’re often embarrassed or perceived as weak for seeking help for our mental health?  If your shoulder was all bound up from some trauma and you had restricted range or motion, you’d go see a physical therapist to work it out.  No one would think less of you and you wouldn’t be embarrassed.  Yet when we get all bound up with anxiety, depression, or even suicide ideation, and we even see our lives becoming restricted because these difficult emotions are debilitating, we often avoid seeking help, maybe because we’re worried what others will think if they knew we were seeing a “Therapist.”  Well, we’ve got to do away with that stigma.  We need to get ourselves and our family the help they need.  You can’t just let the immobilized shoulder stay that way the rest of your life, and it’s not going to get better by itself.  It’s not just a phase your shoulder is going through.  You need to see the right professionals to work it out.  The same is true with debilitating anxiety, depression, suicide ideation, eating disorders, isolation, social struggles.  The list goes on and on.  That’s essentially what we do at Life Launch Centers, teach the emotional tools in a group counseling format to families and give them a chance to practice those tools.  Things like distress tolerance tools, mindfulness and how to build healthy human to human connection. So if anxiety, depression, social struggles, anything emotionally overwhelming has taken over your family, please don’t hesitate, give us a call at Life Launch Centers.  The number is 833-803-3883 Speaking of Families working through hard things, I’ve got 2 very special guests on the show with me today.  Mari Hobson, she is becoming Family Life Educator and also we have Jennie Hayes a stay at home special needs mom.  Welcome ladies and thanks for being on the show with me today.

Thanks you for having us.  So Mari, tell me a little bit about your background and counseling in your interests and mental health you know background I have is my own personal experience I’m going through our things and it requires you to like you said make sure that you pay attention to your mental health and they’re absolutely is a stigma around it and you kind of don’t want people to know that you’re getting counseling although I really think we’d have a completely different society and everybody bought it really would be so helpful yeah I think that everybody would benefit and I think that there were a lot of things that were almost these aha moments of oh my word I can’t believe I didn’t know that and if I didn’t know how different would you know the circumstance for that experience would have been and it really got me intrigued and is a reason why I went back to school and ultimately why I want to get my master so I can do actually therapy on private practice but in the meantime I’ll do Family Life educator you know how do you and Jenny know each other now some people when they meet us they actually think I think you’re we had some we were religion within our community they thought we were sisters but if you want to get technical I am married to Jenny’s ex-husband this is my step daughter and my step son’s mother because so often today divorce is such a isolating and separating fact I mean obviously definition of divorce stress and strife between exes and yet somehow you guys have come together to overcome that tell me about that divorces is heartbreaking no matter how you die fit and divorce is hard co parenting is hard I think that when at the time that I met Jenny my husband Curt has been divorced for five years counted out right yeah yeah I think I had been divorced about a year and my current at the Time Michael parenting situation was really really toxic and really bad and so I looked at their situation with just absolute admiration because they works together while you buys respect each other you know conflict would arise and regardless of you know even hurt feelings they always came back to respecting each other’s role as their parent I know that the kids if they share their you know the parents but we kind of shoot and we talked about how everybody that is in the situation you know the goal was always we’re going to be amicable yeah kind of the goal is which is good that’s great and it’s better than talk so yeah that’s what I want but I think when you go into a divorce there is this Unwritten Rule and the expectation that you don’t like each other that’s all that’s amazing I’m in this affect so many people out there I mean I’ve got some to a really really good with their exes and some who just continue to have more and more difficulty even though they’ve divorce is it difficult write anything cuz I mean you don’t have to fight anymore you’re not mad are you going to get along and I think my friends are even acquaintances that you know knowing that I’ve been divorced will come to me hoping that I’m going to give them support because you know they’re having struggles within their marriage and they think that I’m going to be an advocate because it was the right Precision for my situation and I might because you’re going to sit down once at a problem just to pick up another and if you think you’re going to you know fighting over Petty things sometimes they’re in there are situations that there that the problems within the marriage or are much more than heading I don’t want to minimize that but at the same time sometimes it’s really not that big a deal is and I’m like you’re going to you’re going to start fighting about things that really matter like missing half your kids is you know activities and holidays birthdays if you think what you’re fighting about now is our you’re going to really have a hard time and I and so I maybe that was the reason I was so like oh this is great you guys are doing this well but I really didn’t like her I didn’t mean you didn’t like Jenny at first because of the unspoken rule that you can’t accept you like her so you just kind of look at each other like we’re good business partners like we work together on behalf of kids and and we’re up and it’s great because in relation to the my other side it was so much better tell Mike that rage we’re doing great I saw that are growing pains yes I mean we were just our family was growing was coming in his kids were coming into their family are growing I just called her are growing pains no matter where you’re at I think you can build on it and and so why not because I love first of all that we’re just going against the social Norm because there are these Unwritten rules that I think are very unhealthy that you’re supposed to be this way and I often and in that same situation with with my wife and you like for example he is good friends with all of my ex-girlfriends on Facebook like she will keep up with you know they had some another kid or she’ll be like right now I didn’t but that’s cool that you did it’s not like she feels jealous or you know like intimidated or anything it’s pretty amazing that you know I looked at her that way just just app just just new girl I don’t like her I don’t not like her I don’t you just like you said it’s just a cold norm and and maybe that’s the reason that I’m thankful that we’re thankful that you’re you know doing the show today’s cuz I think there’s a better way and I am I think that there’s an easier way for everybody involved cuz I love that you’re doing this show because you got how have you experienced your relationship and the way that you’re structuring this going against the social Norm affect your mental health a source of stress in your life by becoming closer to somebody like I just I think I think that’s a lot better than adding the stress of arguing and fighting and and I think it’s focusing on the things that you gained so I think a lot of the reason why why couples that are in the situation struggle is because they’re focusing on the insecurity issues of the situation are they a better be a better mom than I am the kids like her better than comparing and I have another set of parents that so when they Jenny call because Sophie had pull out her feeding tube and she was at the hospital here in theaters before she moved here and she had her other son Max who is found the hospital I pick up Max and he came over and he had dinner with the family and like rather than focusing on what you’re losing and what you’re risking you focus on you have so many more resources and opportunities and honestly one of the first things that I focus on when I have time in first things that I first people I talk to you when I have I’ll call my other house because they understand better than anybody else that’s awesome. She gets along well with her ex had now so she did you hear her say other halves that’s because yeah that’s amazing it’s really amazing in and honestly I want to talk more about this I got to go to break but we’re going to come back and talk a little bit about how it affects the kids because honestly there’s there’s a lot of benefit that comes from being able to do this in a healthy way so is 11 to 26 years old struggling with anxiety depression and other difficult mental health condition it’s group counseling and everyone knows it that group active form of therapy so if you feel tired of counseling or if it didn’t work or what you really need this group that’s where the girl is really happened the defensive walls down people able to see that they’re not alone in their struggles and the best part is that most insurances you can cover treatment so we’re in network with Select Health Blue Cross Blue Shield Medicaid pehp dmba even if I didn’t mention your health insurance company we can help you get covered so well and also with it being so close to the end of the year of the paid off the ductable get your family to help that they need. So don’t wait give us a call at 833-803-3883, we’ll be back in a minute.

Welcome back to the mental health moment I’m your host Joe Newman from Life launch centers and today I’ve got on the show with me Mari Hobson she’s becoming a family life educator and Jennie Hayes a stay-at-home Special Needs Mom who have a very interesting relationship ladies you guys tell us a little bit about your background and how you came to know each other no we are friends first we say now but Mari is my ex-husband’s wife and I’m her husband’s ex-wife amicable relationship in divorce which is really strange kind of going against the social Norm but how it’s helping so much for the family tell me how did that how did you get to that point well it started out amicable with respect but we still have a lot of disk I said that we were friends back then and then we had a pivotal point that sort of just changed everything I had a baby my last one and she was diagnosed with a terminal illness it it has for me it happened instantly sell my bonus daughter her daughter was super excited when she found out she was pregnant because she have a sister sister thinks you’re going to do and everything was fine and then Jenny had called Curtis and I to see if we would bring the kids down to see the new baby and if we would actually set aside a little bit to talk with her and I remember hang it I remember Curtis Hill at the phone and relay that information to me and I’m like just talk to you right he said no she wants to talk to both of us I might whatever and we’ll talk when we went to the park and we went to that park over kind of by the rodeo grounds are they do the Dixie Downs you know where has that part that’s yet so we’re sitting on a park bench and I had Curtis on this side of me and I and I was sitting in the middle and then there was an empty space on the on the other side and we were just waiting for Jenny to come up and and she walked up and she just looks like something was just horribly wrong and she is that down and she proceeded to tell us that Sophia had been diagnosed with a terminal condition and that she and the at the time they thought that she would pass away anytime and then she just spell it. I remember instant instantly he went from being my husband’s ex-wife to Jenny tomorrow he’s grieving and the how do you not reach out and hold her and and just you just instantly see her different and then after that you know we talked and and we came up with a game plan of how to talk to the kids and then after that I couldn’t not not check up on her. So she started checking in on me and she started becoming my friend and I think I went down after a couple weeks and held Sophia in my house so that would be the first time that like that Mark came into my house and that would be the first time the kids kind of space in one of our home and everything is kind of built after that for me I I responded tomorrow or is compassion but I also was I was so stressed out at that time that I really didn’t have the bandwidth to analyze other people’s intentions anymore and so I just started giving everybody in my life the benefit of the doubt and everything especially with my ex and his wife just started to get better and then we started doing things together and I did first thing that I noticed was like the light in the kids has eyes to see us together there’s there’s a lot of research research and statistics regarding you know how to how divorce affects kids you know they have an increase of adolescent adjustment problems and academic difficulties they have you know you know all this there is a lot of you know some children don’t find the separation of the parents the hardest part to cope with in fact they find at the most difficult part is when it comes to dealing with the the divorce in the strength of the company at as far as like the inconvenience of having two separate situations moving finding homes living with parents gets so caught up in their own emotions and their own you know how they’re feeling because that’s obviously a lot for the parents to go through that they totally have these blinders on if these kids are struggling and they need resources and they need support and they’re just not getting it and so I think that for us you know we had done and we had done an interview but if you had asked us to do something similar to this and we actually interview the kids would cuz he wanted to see what their perspective was and it was interesting to hear how different from their perspective as they didn’t have two separate families they have one big family they they were talking about how how one of the you know some of their favorite moments were just seeing all of us together and then really cool thing was having this happen it helped me see my other situation different and I thought to see her outside of the situation and we became friends and then and just the dynamic and how that is healthy kids has been incredible number this is a quick story do you remember the first time that we went we went to the temple open house together as one of our first family things that we did me and my husband my ex-husband and his wife and all the kids and Sarah was just bouncing around like this is my mom and this is my mom this is my mom in this is my mom and she was just bragging all the workers and everybody and just me and we have the picture of all of us together with me and Curtis and you and I think your step sons were there I think it was all of us could I have this picture because it was it was right before the other half was had we had gotten better resolution and I have his picture of all of us standing together but my my biological daughter is standing beside me and she is just watching me to of yeah because it’s a just hadn’t seen and and that was one of the first time that I might oh man we’ve got to get this together we got to figure this out you know the other side as well so it’s been a blessing all around vulnerability to help establish that kind of relationship and also compassion and those are too so powerful tools and principles to apply to Mental Health & Ladies you’re amazing it’s crazy that we’re already at a time he’s always go way too fast and I just want to thank you so much for sharing your story your truly are amazing you’re having a well I hope everybody out there got some great ideas about you know what we can do to help our kids through some difficult things in life like divorce your family just so you know your family doesn’t have to struggle alone to these things are our resources and and I hope that this has been a help for you feel free to jump on our website at life on Center stock, there’s a lot of great and free resources there and I were just give us a call at 833-803-3883 this has been your mental health moment next time right here on St George news radio signing off from Life on centers until next time keep those kids safe and keep your sanity.

 

The Mental Health Moment

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Discussing all things “Mental Health,” we bring local professionals and community leaders together to talk about the mental health crisis that face families today.  Not only talk about the problem but help introduce the solutions!